Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
