so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
