So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
