we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
