put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize