im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
