The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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