I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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