I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
