next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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