i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
it glows. i had to have it.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
