It's like God shit irony all over that family
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
