I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
