If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
