hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
