I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
