Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
