Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
