You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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