Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
