Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize