So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
