Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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