I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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