I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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