She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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