i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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