What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
