I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
