I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
