6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
