The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
