I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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