I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
