just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
