I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
