Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Oh god it's open bar.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
