After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
