nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
