They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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