So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
