I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
