while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We were destined to go to rehab together
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
