Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
