I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
