Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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