he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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