Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Randomize
