i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
