you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
