I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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