i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
