Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
