happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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