Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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