haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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