I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
