God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
