you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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