i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
