My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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