After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
