You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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