i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
