I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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