Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
