Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
